Nov 23, 2009

Thanksgiving Etiquette. (Some folks need it).


1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your a.. down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn. pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their ass!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a sh.. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy a.. home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding and confrontation!

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her.. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant a..!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy a.. family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

Hope everyone enjoy ThanksGiving… just remember the above rules if you stop by my house. GOD BLESS YA!

Nov 16, 2009

Beggars Can't be Choosy.

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I went to McDonald's some time ago and there was this homeless dude in there askin' for some money to get somethin' to eat. Nobody, including me, gave him anything because he's around there all the time with a different outfit on erryday (better shit than I could EVER wear) and he got a fresh pack of Newport's all the time. Plus, I got a source that says he lives in this homeless shelter. So, he's doing good, compared to other homeless least, that's what I gather. Well, anyway, this elderly woman came in with her Grand-kids (teenagers) and he asked her for some money to get some food. She said "Tell me what you want and I'll get it for you". This fool said "Just give me the money, bitch!!". You already know what happened. Her Grand-kids beat the Holy hell outta him. I woulda helped dude, but I didn't for 2 reasons.

1. He was WAAAY outta line callin' that woman a female dog when she was tryin' to help his ass.

2. My Double Quarter Pounder was tastin' too damn good to stop eatin' it.

I find it funny that people who beg for ANYTHING (whether it be sex, money, food, etc.) can be SO damn choosy when they ask you for shit. Not just homeless (or SUPPOSEDLY homeless) people but people in general. If you ask somebody to do something outta the kindness of their heart, something like THIS anyway, you should be grateful that they would even do somethin' like that and take it how they give it, considering the fact that they don't HAVE to do what you begged them to do but they WANT to. I did make an effort to ask was he alright when I finished eating and was on my way back to work. After he said he was, I said "Maybe next time, you'll take the food and not get yo' ass whooped for being ignant!!".

Nov 6, 2009


I guess I'll be taking my Nephew to see THIS when it comes out. I can hardly wait.